I keep wanting to make comments on my bookmarks and bookmark subjects to myself, but I always do so in wordpad documents amidst all kinds of other crap, and I hardly ever remember what I was referring to. So, I think I'll start making posts here. Probably a header post, and then I'll make follow-up comments or something. Until I decide I need a new header post because of something.

I feel like I'm drifting away from D, now. It's... Really not cool. I mean... I guess I can see why. I'm turning down invitations to do things with him and other friends all the time. But... I'm really not a socializer. I would rather hang out with people in a home or in a car. I'm so much more comfortable there.

And... The things they do just aren't really my thing. I'm not actually a fan of going to movies. It's fun, but... I would rather do something else. Bowling... Also fun, but nobody else seems as competitive about it or as into it as I am. Admittedly, I haven't gone for a while, so it might just be that I'm stupid about that particular case, but... Once again, I'm competitive. I need competition, challenge. If they wanted to go hiking again? Or for a walk? Or play soccer? Or anything active where even if I can't compete against someone else I can at least compete against myself? I'd be all over that. They spend all their time playing Minecraft or Team Fortress. Minecraft is fun, but only in small doses. The sheer scale of it, and the complexity added by mods, is just not something I would do for fun. If I want to build something, and spend hours constructing the things I envision in my mind, I do it by writing. I think in words, not pictures.

Which is another problem, I suppose. Me spending all my time writing.

I prefer writing over gaming. I prefer solo gaming over multiplayer gaming. I prefer friendly competition to friendly companionship. I prefer groups of no more than three or four people. I prefer mobility over stability.

And now that I'm on my meds... I'm more comfortable with myself. I can say that. I'll turn down offers to do things, because they aren't my thing, instead of feeling obligated to just because someone asked. It just... It really sucks. D... I'm friends with D. And N, to a point. And M, to a point. A is more of a good acquaintance, I guess? Well, she's more than that, but it's hard to describe. I guess she's on level with M. Other than that, I've got nobody, really.

I'm fine with that. I don't really need more than that, in terms of number of friends. More than that and I get overwhelmed trying to keep up with them all. But I do need that level of friendship, at least. I need at least one good friend, outside of my family. I need a best friend. As comfortable as me and D still are with each other, that feeling of distance hurts. We're sitting in that same god damned room, and I feel like there are things I can't say, moments where I can't say anything, things and moments where I can't do anything.

It's... We've never been awkward before. Now we are. Now we look back on things and they feel awkward, when they were fine before.

And this feeling... I think it's actually pretty recent. I think I chalk it up to my meds, honestly. I'm different now. I get things done. I'm really into my classes, I'm really into my writing, I'm really into everything I do, now. I'm not restricted to three simple emotional states of happy, neutral, and depressed. I'm not flat anymore. Complex emotions- I can feel more than one thing at a time. I can identify my emotions. I can follow up on them, figure them out. It's not flat-out exhausting to feel. So I can feel anger, and excitement, and enjoyment- and keep feeling them. Feel them and prod them and understand them, and not just drop them because it's too tiring.

I'm happier. It's cliche, but it's like life has gained color. I've gone from a flat, black and white world to one of mountains and sunsets and color. I don't feel content to sit in one place and watch the world go by. I need to be a part of it. My writing- I know it's a solo thing, and not really getting out into the world, but it's the world in my head. I'm still interacting with people, still doing things- I'm just doing it on paper.

I just... I wish we talked more. I talk all the time, it feels like. And it feels like he never talks to me. I hear about plans at the last minute, when they've been in place for weeks. I learn things about his life, and his family- But I only hear about them by chance, when I overhear something. He never actually talks to me about them. When it comes to the plans, though- Those I need to know about ahead of time. I need time to prepare myself. I can't just go socialize at the drop of a hat. It stresses me out like nothing else, and it's even worse when I find out it's been in everyone's calendars but mine for weeks.

I just... I don't want to just say all this stuff. I mean, I guess then that the distance might be partly my fault, too, because we hardly ever talk about anything that's not superficial- But... I try. The problems I have now... Finding a job and finding a girlfriend. I don't want to talk about finding a job, really. I just need to get myself out there to do it. As far as finding a girlfriend goes- where do I even start that conversation?

I know he's not as comfortable with that, or any of the other aspects of gender and sexuality, for that matter, as he is with other things. And maybe that's my fault, too? I'm comfortable with myself. Very. I'll talk about sex, I'll- well, I'm not afraid to whip it out in a crowded room, basically. I have sex on my mind a lot. I think probably more than him, given how often the subject comes up from me. I guess... Maybe I figured that since we've had sex and been friends for so long, that we didn't really have those kinds of boundaries anymore. And I guess I was wrong.

I mean, maybe I'm wrong about all of this. Maybe it's just, quite simply, that we're not hanging out as much. I just can't help but think that maybe I pushed some buttons. Or maybe I'm missing something that was never actually there.

Maybe... I don't want to say it, but... Maybe we really are just drifting apart, and it has nothing to do with actually distancing ourselves. He's working, I'm going to school, he's playing Minecraft and going out with M and A, I'm writing, he's buying a car and going on vacations around the world, I'm trying to find the energy in between classes and hours of homework to get out and get a job so I don't bankrupt myself.

I know I'm good for it, and I hope he knows it, too, but I do owe him probably four or five hundred dollars. Still, it's a lot less than M owes him, unless that's another thing I haven't heard about.

Maybe he thinks I'm not looking for a job, and isn't happy with that? I'll admit, I don't get out there very often. I don't have the- Mental fortitude. I don't have the mental fortitude, just yet, to do that as much as I need to on top of my schoolwork. It's not my favorite subject to talk about in the world, either. I talk about everything else. Cats, family, homework, the bus...

We don't drink together anymore. We did that until I started my meds. Or... Was his birthday party a turning point? I... I'm comfortable without a shirt. I'm comfortable being drunk, as long as it's not interfering with my meds. I'm comfortable with getting hungover, because it's a natural consequence of drinking that much. And he didn't really get awkward about it at S's. Then again, we didn't really know anyone at S's. At all, actually. And that, theoretically, makes it more awkward? I mean, I wasn't even drinking, then.

I guess... I just need to talk to him about it, or something. Because this really is bothering me. I don't want to lose the closeness we have. Yeah, I've... Well... I know I've said things about it sucking that people think we're together, because it means we don't look single and available. I don't know how much he actually agrees with that.

...
...

I- Um. Maybe... I really hope this doesn't have its roots in the fact that I'm not interested in him as a relationship partner. Because that would make it two for two in losing best friends, even, almost, down to the timeframe of downhill slide. Things start getting physical, I say it's got nothing to do with feelings and I'm just interested in the physical, things hit physical peak, and then a year later things blow up. I- I know when we moved up here it looked and felt like there might be something there, but- I don't know. I... I can only say that I was rather far in denial at that point, and that being away from S let me deal with it, finally. And now that I've really embraced it- Now it seems like he can't take it.

I don't have anyone else to talk to, Bro. I need you. You're my best friend. There are quite a few things that I don't want to talk to my mother about, but that at this point I don't have much choice because... I feel like you're shutting me out. I know there are things you don't want to talk about either, but- Can't you just put up with the emotional fall out? Just let me vent. You don't have to say anything. You don't even have to do anything. But don't tell me to go away. That's just- It makes me want to cry. Puts me right on the edge of it, just thinking about it. I get that I sometimes sound angry- I totally get it from my dad.

And maybe before, when I was still flat? Maybe I sounded like that when I was angry then. Now, though- That's pretty much frustration. Feels like it, anyway. A desire for competition, a restlessness, frustration- If I'm trying to explain something and I don't have the words.

...

I... Guess I just have to either bring it up or suck it up.

Fuck.


EDIT: Apparently I'm making mountains out of molehills. We just need to work on hanging out and paying attention to each other more. Now I feel like an idiot for worrying so much. Because seriously, - Just. Seriously. What was I really thinking?

... God damn meds making me more susceptible to emotions... But god thank them for making the world not so plat anymore.

 Apparently LJ has been eating my Writer's Block entries. The last three I did apparently posted blank. Which is sad, because I liked my answers to them. But I didn't want to keep a blank response in, and I don't feel like re-answering them, so I just deleted them.

Kinda sucks.

 If I didn't have to breathe...Like, if I was a vampire or something. (Yes, I have been dipping into Twilight fanfiction. Yes, I feel like an uber-dork.) But if I didn't have to breathe, for whatever reason, then I think the first thing I would do would be to jump in a river, sit on the bottom, and just watch the sky through the water, for hours. If I also wouldn't freeze to death, anyway. Which is where the whole vampire thing came from. It kinda started there, actually...

Anyway. I think I'd spend a lot of time sitting on the bottom of rivers. And checking out lakes. And oceans. Man, it'd be fun to check out the oceans. Wouldn't have to worry about pressurizing. Not really. Damn, that'd be cool.

But I think it would be less about exploring, and more about the feeling of just staring. Mesmerized, by something ever-changing, ever-flowing. It's like staring out a car window, only less expensive. Or running, only less tiring. Sadly, it's rather more deadly, in all reality, than anything else I find as freeing.

It would give me that same rush, though. The same freedom. The ability to just think. I would love it.

I thought about this just a few days ago, and spent two hours thinking about it. So that this question came up so soon is amusing.

Biggest regret is probably the way I've wasted so much of my time, these last seven years. I could have gotten things done and made something of myself in that time. But I spent it so wrapped up in my head, trapped there with S, that I did less than nothing.

In some ways, I've learned form it. I've certainly figured a few things out. I'm still working on it, but I'm getting better about it. And yes, it does still plague me, though more at some times than others.

 

Damn, she's good. And I feel the need to learn Swedish now. Again.

 I feel the need to point out, to a lot of the writers of this world, that not all tragedies end in death, gaping wounds, hospital visits, or large amounts of physical abuse. A lot of other things can provide all the drama and trauma needed to provide progression for a plot. A new or lost job, a new family member, maybe a pet's death, needing to move homes, a fight between friends or family that can, in fact, be rather mundane and not anything that might get the cops involved. Even a failed test could be all you need. There's more than one way to get two characters into a situation where they need to be there for each other. Especially when they're already relatively happy. While it's true that piling shit onto a character to see how much it takes to break them is often a good way to progress things and provide character development, it's utterly untrue that it's the only way, and in many cases it's just plain unnecessary and chunky writing.

 I want to learn to play instruments the same way I want to learn languages. Nice thing about music? The written language is all the same! Unlike spoken languages, where the method and the writing are all entirely different.

I have a keyboard, and I have music I can practice reading. I just need to play it. And read it. I can also practice on my shiny new Zune HD. It has a piano app. It's kinda fun.

I've also been watching K-On!, which is certainly influencing my thoughts. But you know, whatever works. I need to fill my days before I start working this summer! Preferably with something constructive. Also preferably something I'll get just good enough to keep doing after work once it starts. Like my drawing. Once I got good enough, I could stand to draw something because it might actually be fun, and not just because I felt like I should be better at it.

 So, I'm pretty much a loner. I'm totally making up for all my socializing earlier in the year with the past couple of weeks. Since my one roommate went to Scotland for two weeks and the other stayed with his girlfriend for a few days. I had the place entirely to myself for most of a week. And it was so utterly brilliant. I had almost forgotten just how much I like being alone. And how much I actually get done when I'm alone. I can't just be left alone, I have to actually be alone. I'm beginning to suspect it's one of those "I have an image!" things, and that I'm really stupid. People expect me to be lazy and a bit of a slob, so I conform to that when they're around. As soon as everyone is gone, I'll do the dishes, vacuum, and clear the table of all the scrap paper on it. And I'll even wear kinda nice clothes.

But only when I'm alone. It's terribly silly. I'm working on fixing it. I'm also sure I'm worse about it when D is around. Which is a problem I will have to address. Just as soon as I know how. Not sure how that'll work. Hm.

Spent the last couple days watching the first season of NCIS. Also realized that it's a lot better when you see it in order, and in chunks. Because it really is cleverly put together, and they make references on multiple occasions to things that happened in earlier episodes. It's a good show even in pieces, because I like most of the characters, but it's better in chunks.